Nice Shoes, Wanna Fuck?

Match.com is doing nothing to inspire my confidence in the males of my generation. I received an email the other day from some guy saying how hot I was and how we should get together soon. That was pretty much it. I'm guessing it falls on the if you ask 10 women to sleep with you, statistically at least one will say yes.

Today's lovely email "Helloooooooo Angel. How are you doing? My name is Jason, I live in NJ, jersey city, but I'm presently in west Africa due to my work and i will be back in 21 days time, I just saw your profile on match.com and it really attracted me to write you.WOW...you're gorgeous,what's the secret to your beauty? Well I'm sure you are a rare combination of so many special things and I'm yet to figure out that magic . I'm only writing in view of being a friend, if you wouldn't mind that then i should be expecting a reply soonest Don't forget my name is Jason and i hope to know yours too. Well i would be signing out on match.com now you can email me directly on my private email address if you are interested my email is ______ and my carrier is yahoo dot com and i will be looking forward to your email soon. or why dont you get a yahoo messenger for your self so we can get to chat, my yahoo id is _____ . Will be counting the mins till you write back to my email or lets chat.
Take care"

Yes, my beauty, that would be the combination of magic and aliens... or aliens and magic, whichever I feel like using first that day when I wake up...

Today is Fucking Depressing.

Seriously, bad news from my ex financially yesterday which means I'm anxious because I may have to deal with a lot of shit in a short amount of time and may end up homeless (or well scrounging to find someplace rather quickly). The idea makes me tense and trying to figure everything out has made me feel exhausted.

L and her boyfriend have likely broken up or at least he's gone the passive-aggressive route to breakup which included a promise to call her today that never materialized (among other very bad things he did that are not really my place to get into here).

I am fucking depressed. It started yesterday, but it lingers today. I'm supposed to go out dancing tonight, but I haven't heard back from anyone I'm supposed to go with or meet up with. I think this is one of those emotional rollercoaster few days where Thursday night's date went really well and gives me warm fuzzies when I think about it, but since then I've felt down. I haven't set up anything with Thu. night's date for anything in the future, and I kind of feel like I'll never find anyone (which I know is super cliche, especially on V-Day). Wow, have I depressed everyone reading this yet?

Oh, and RR guy who I was so-so about, then thought we had fun Tuesday night pretty much never responded to my text or email and I'm pretty sure has done the match.com thing where I don't even get a courtesy email kiss off...

I know, I know, my life is not that horrible... I guess I'm feeling melodramatic today.

Blame Emily!

I blame Emily, if she would just post, I would feel more obligated to do so. Plus, I do have a big fat work related excuse and two deadlines, so I think I'm closer to freedom.

I went out on Tuesday night with RR guy, fully expecting to say 'hey, it's been nice knowing you' at the end of the performance. Actually, he started asking questions about me as we were waiting for it to start. He also brought up the BIG question about separation, which I answered with as much truth as I felt and as little acrimony as I could. We had a good time at the theater, and went for a couple of drinks afterward. I felt like we had a good time and a fun talk, but I think I forgot to thank him for taking me out (or maybe I did and it was too obligatory, I forget). He did give me a good-night/bye kiss which I think I screwed up because I wasn't expecting it when he did it. I also texted him when I got home and asked if he'd made it and he replied he did... I've heard nada, zip, zilch since then (Tuesday night around midnight). I sent him a quick text yesterday about something we saw during the performance Tue. night and then a hey Tuesday night was fun email today. Maybe he could tell I changed my mind and now he's no longer interested in hanging out? Hanging out/going out with him is also not consuming, it's more comfortable, which I don't know if that's good or bad. So, 'L' said to give it until tonight and if no word, write that one off as a one match less.com.

I also have another 'drink' date tonght with sexy short guy. He actually works in an area that I find very interesting, and I hope he proves interesting. He called yesterday while I was asleep. I vaguely rememeber trying to be charming, but when I woke up more fully I think it was more jerky than anything... Ah well, will rectify that later when I meet him in the explanation of 'sorry I was out of it'. I also got three small cavaties filled today, and am very happy to report three hours later that I can feel most of my face again.

Oh, and one (of the two) military guys I'm talking wants to meet for lunch on Monday. He's actually going to drive up from where he lives about an hour to an hour and a half away. I'm a little guilty over this as he's nice, but I'm not looking for a boyfriend and not one who is in the military... Anyway, L reads his email and thinks I jump to too many conclusions and likely I am super judgemental... ah well.

Why He's Single

So, in mentioning my prior approximately 10 minute phone conversation with RR guy, who I am supposed to go out and do a theater event with Tuesday night, I just recalled an interesting part of the conversation I forgot about in prior off-blog conversations about how he was boring me over the phone.

Before I get to that, I should mention that our recent phone conversations (about three times now) have been a lot about him and a little about me that I've just interjected. I haven't really been asked much about me, especially over the phone. When we met in person, I just thought it was nerves that he really didn't ask anything about me. Now I'm thinking it's part of why he's single.

Tonight on the phone, after asking me the only question about how my day was, he went on to tell me about his work, about how probably my job is more fun than his and pays more than his (which I totally corrected that assumption, but my job is more fun, that's true), and then he went on to tell me about a girl he dated who was killed in a car accident this week!?! Seriously, I have met the guy twice in person, talked on the phone a few times, and he decides it's time to bring up about someone he once dated 10+ years ago, hasn't talked with since, but had mutual friends so he was told about her death... He mentioned something about odd it was to have dated someone now dead and get this, his friend's pet had been run over this week as well and that this death thing that is going around and I should watch out for it. Seriously? Seriously? Yes, he did, told me to be careful because something alluding to these things coming in packs/waves/etc.

So, in addition to me giving him about three different general openings (my job, my pets, my family) to ask me ANY questions, he also basically tells me that being with him/around him might bring death to me. Lovely.

Finally, he also ended our phone conversation by telling me that he was home now - so basically I'd been a time filler until his drive home from work was finished. I called him on his 'classy' behavior, in more of a teasing way, but seriously? I only use my family as time-fillers, and they love me and forgive my douchy behavior. I think after Tuesday I'm going to be permanently washing my feet (someone gave me that excuse and I think it fits here, yes?).

Sexy looking short guy, foreign guy, and I all have tentative plans to meet sometime next week - but definitely not at the same time. Wouldn't want them fighting over me [preen preen]. I've also decided just not to write back the few other guys who I was kind of like 'meh' about... maybe next week, but it's kind of like picking your varsity team and then having the crappy ugly back-up team. I'd rather not string them along (ha! was that a bad sports pun?).

We've also been debating amongst ourselves (off blog) if RR guy is looking for a girlfriend, if he stinks in bed, and whether or not I truly find him boring ('cause he's headed that way a few times). Consensus is yes he's looking for a gf, that he would be all emotional in bed and not that good, and that he probably would't let me do a booty call unless it was more gf/bf. Seriously, I've seen him twice and talked with him for 2 weeks, we (my lady friends) have some serious standards and trust issues. Although, I did bring up him being a talker - hey, I'm a talker and that's good, unfort. most of what he talks about is things going on with him and he's asked me few questions about myself. I wonder if he has the same issue I do, I'd just expect someone to talk about things and not pry? That may be bad in a bf or even just a booty call...

Ok, Emily, this is a shout out to you - you've got to at least blog or show a pic of the dark cookie guy, the end.

Do I look hungry?

Seriously, I have like 5 guys writing me now and one 'real' date set up for next week.

I wasn't sure if I should do the date, but Emily talked some sense into me and I'm definitely going out. It doesn't involve dinner or anything, which I am more than fine with, but taking in a show at a theater.

However, the other guys writing me - of which I think I already told one I wasn't interested after he winked at me, but he decided to write me anyway, one who is an uber dork (seriously mentioned rewiring things and LCD lights, yawn), sexy looking short guy (SSS), and foreign guy FINALLY wrote me back, sent me a picture too of when he visited Rome this last weekend and asked me out to lunch, dinner, or coffee for sometime next week. SSS also asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner and so did the military dude... what is up with people wanting to feed me?

Long strange trip...

It's been more than a few days since posting... I have been busy with L in town and trying to accomplish important (non match.com related) things in my life.

So, date on Wed. went well and well enough for me to continue talking to him last week. In fact, while L was in town, he suggested a venue playing live music and Emily, L, and I all went out and he met us there. I got the thumbs-up from both L and Emily, who of course put me in a high school awkward situation at the end. During the venue, I talked with RR guy but it was loud and so mostly concert talk (if that makes any sense). I didn't feel an overwhelming connection with him on Wed., nor on Friday night, but he seems like a nice and interesting guy. After the concert was over, we all wandered outside as the crowd dispersed, and instead of L and Emily staying around to say good-bye, they both wandered over to stare at the stickers on the back of a street sign - like that was totally unobtrusive and not at all overtly high school-esque. Seriously, if he was going to kiss me, put a move on me, etc., he should totally have the balls to do it in front of my friends - no street sign wandering away necessary!

Friday night I also learned a few things about him that make me a bit gun-shy. First, and my sister has warned me about these types of boys - they like the fast moving zombies. In fact, he was so adamant about it, he insulted my zombie aficionado sister by calling her a "traditionalist in the worst sense of the word" and knowing that she teaches high school that "he fears for the next generation of children under her care" because of this zombie traditionalism. Yes, yes I know sister, if you were here it would be 'on', and if I am still seeing him in a boyfriend or friend way, it will still be 'on' when you come out to visit. I warned him that these statements would cause him to be "kicked apart", and he stood by his opinion. The other things that made me a bit nervous were some similarities to my ex - interest in Americana music, a writer for a living (but at least he's actually made money as a freelancer), loves the Beat writers, has a crush on Drew Barrymore, and makes bad puns. Things that are not making me fall all over him personally are that he's funny, but sometimes tries too hard to be so, he's a litter shorter and chubbier than I go for. Normally, I am into rail thin very tall boys, go fig. However, kudos to him for the fact that he has an teenage son that he has raised by himself since the kid was just under 2yrs, he sounds like a fun dad who has a good relationship with his son, he owns his own house, has a job and some kind of reliable transportation. Wow, did that sound like my standards have gone down?

Anyway, he asked me to go out with him again Sunday night, which I declined in favor of hanging with some friends and watching the Stuperbowl. I thought I might have offended him since he didn't write me back or call me, but he did this morning and sounds like he'd like to go out next week.

I also have five emails to answer on match. One is from a pretty good looking, but pretty darn short guy (which I am short, so it's not a big deal). One is the military guy I've been talking with who asked me to lunch this weekend, but was declined due to L in town. Another is a dork and he's a total dork who looks like my friend Erich, and I am not at all attracted to him. I forget the other one, probably because I wasn't super impressed, and the last one lives in Louisiana and shares similar musical tastes to me.

From L and I talking yesterday, I have also realized that I am in no way ready to have a 'boyfriend' or even be serious about someone. I think I am still too close emotionally to break-up related things and do not want anything serious that might break my heart again. L has advised to write this on my profile, but honestly, who would believe that? I don't say anywhere on there that I am looking for my true love, so I hope that the understanding is dating with a side of interesting things, not an entree of falling in love.

I paced!

And I seriously don't pace, that was how worked up/nervous I was over last night. I knew I hadn't picked out a serial killer, or even a rock varmint hunter, but it didn't really help my physical response to the situation. Luckily, I was able to yammer at Emily for over 2 hours until I had to leave.

I get there ard purposefully park away from the usual parking lot and instead park around the side of the bar - serious background thought was that if he was icky, I could say good-bye and wouldn't have to walk to our cars together. Turned out I was five minutes early and he was already there. I was hand shakingly nervous at first, but finally started to calm down. Also, shaking hands at first was awkward and I will not try that again... He was not ugly or even way different from his photos, so I was pleased by that. Although, it did make me wonder if my photos were different from the way I look enough that he was just not that into me (thanks Greg Behrendt).

We ended up talking for about 2 hours, and while occasionally awkward, nervous, or a bit boring/forced, it overall was pretty good. I was told by Emily that if I didn't expect it to be any of the above, I was just being foolish. I also think that our conversation started out with two 'tester' talks. The first was him showing me the local independent paper and a couple of bands he wouldn't mind seeing. Which I didn't commit to and told him I don't know them, but pointed out the two bands I want to see who are coming in March. Then, he told me about going out with his friends to a strip club. Yes, yes, you figure this is the point where you think 'douche', but really very little phases me (pinky ring and matching bracelet, yes, strip club no). And it was a pretty funny story about a CL posting for a girl's bday party and wanting a dirty clown, his friend who wanted to do it for the party (not that he's a clown or even own's a clownsuit, but eventually didn't do it), which was who they bumped into at the strip club. I think at the end of the evening we talked more about him than me, he never asked about my current relationship status (being seperated and all), and he had a few uncomfortable personal similarities to my ex in terms of taste in music, books, and a distaste for sports. He also called a band I like 'easy listening', which was totally unfair and I told him so (so there!). At the end of the evening we both said we'd like to see each other again (or I would have used Emily's line - sorry, I'm really busy for the next month). We agreed to share real email info, and so I sent him an email from my real account this morning and already have a response. I don't think he's going to have the cajones to go out with the ladies on Friday night, but he did say he'd see what was up and if not, then next week... Anyway, it has possibilities. I didn't feel an instant connection, but I do think he's cute and would be at the very least, worth getting to know (biblically if you know what I mean.). Heh.

Oh, and I'm not in love Emily do not worry! I still have the plan that we will open some kind of business (possibly construction) together, meet our true loves at the same time, defeat some kind of mythical evil, and live hapily ever after - by Nora Roberts.

Little Red Flags

I am nervous tonight not because of my own life. I am at home, just finished watching a Harry Potter movie and writing a blog about a dating life that I don't really up and running as of yet. No, I am nervous because as I write Sara is on her first date in a decade. She spent two hours preceding said event in my kitchen talking much faster than normal. (If you have ever spoken with her you will understand that I only caught 25% as opposed to the normal 50% of what she said.) I called her a few minutes ago and told her to say Tequila if she was in a dangerous situation. She did not so I think she is fine. In fact I am pretty sure I heard some giggling. It may have been him, but its a good sign either way. However if in fact she is able to find true love this soon after the "separation" I will find a way to seduce him so that they break up. I refuse to be alone all by myself.
So, I have been emailing cute divorced dad today. He isn't actually divorced. He just lived in sin and now has a baby mama. So now I will just call him...Jim. That's not his name but I can't go with cute dad. That's just creepy. "Jim" lived in my dream state for three years and appears to be a honorable man. He shares custody of his daughter 50/50 with his baby mama. So far I have gathered that he has a least one dog and a job with technology, perhaps even computers. He asks a lot of questions, so my emails back are long. I have to reread them over and over because I question everything I write. He did ask me to IM with him, which in an Internet relationship is HUGE.
Sexy Musician emailed back as well. He described his music as dark, which has on increased his bad boy persona that I have built up in my head. He seems a little selfish as he only talked about himself and didn't ask me any questions. If only I would read that little red flag and abort. But I know full well that I will keep plugging along thinking that he'll write a song about me. I can swoon from the audience with hundreds of jealous women listening to his beautiful tribute to me. This is the world that I make up for myself when I am battling my insomnia at 3am.
Sara's college buddy hasn't returned my email from last night. I did say that I kept dead dogs around the house, but he would know that I was joking, right?

Going after it

So as I said last night the plan was a success. I have had a lot of activity. There have been the winks and emails of the "what were you thinking" crowd, but I have gotten two emails and wink back from some pretty cool guys.
I winked at this one guy that I thought had a cool black and white picture. When you are hunting out twenty men to wink at in one night, you go from reading profiles to skimming them. Well he emailed me and I actually read his profile. It turns out that Sara knows him because he is in her program. She informed me that he wasn't a killer, so I emailed him back. We have exchanged some interesting emails. He is pretty funny. I think I'll keep him around.
Another guy that I winked at emailed me as well. He is a divorced dad of one. We talked about if the wii fit was good for kids. I haven't heard from him since I emailed last night. He seemed nice and not creepy. I kinda hope to hear from him again.
The last notable guy is this super cute musician. I noticed him the first night that Sara and I came up with the 30 day match plan. He talks about not going along with the dominant social paradigm. That may turn most women off but I have a tendency to attract men with some sort of emotional handicap (not you Peter Pan, you are perfect) so he might be the one.
So I guess the lesson to be learned is that if you want something to happen, go after it. Maybe I am just to awesome and they are scared to communicate with me. I can handle that...

update: The cute divorced dad emailed me while I was writing this...

And so it begins...

A little over a week on this match.com thing and I've been viewed over 700 times, but few current winks or leads. I decided to take some of Emily's advice and I went ahead and searched for some guys and winked at a few. They've looked at my profile and I guess are currently debating if I am worth it or not to wink back or write. Primarily, this is mostly like being the popular girl in high school that I never was, so I am enjoying it for that. I also think that internet stuff almost never works out, unless your expectations are very low. I think most of us, especially after a few rewarding emails back and forth, think 'ah-ha, I have met someone cool' and we expect their physical appearance to match up... and while not recently, but definitely many moons ago before I was married, this was definitely the case. Good on the internet (paper), not so good in person. Then again, that could be me as well...

Speaking of good in person or not, tomorrow is my first 'official' procuring a frosty beverage with a gentleman of potential romantic interest. RR guy and I are meeting at a local bar at 8:15pm, he has cracked a Top Gun reference (the Maverick thing) that I did not get right away - and I'm pretty sure there was the removal of 2 points for even making a slight reference to Tom Cruise. I am a bit nervous, but also figure unless he is drop dead gorgeous, I'm pretty extroverted and it should be fun for an hour or two. Intrepid reporter 'L' gave me some advice that these match.com dates could go from getting up and leaving after 5 minutes to making out in the car to "more". Well, slutty slutty, and I bet I know who that was (and not 'L'). The funny part was that I just asked about how do I greet said date-handshake, hug, side-face kiss? I doubt tomorrow will go much farther than enjoyable conversation. I'm not sure right now I could handle more than just chillin' together, although I probably need the S-E-X about as badly as any lady (heh, lady).

Wrote foreign guy back, no response so far. I also have been in correspondence (well, two emails) with a local guy who sounds interesting. He's familiar and somewhat a fan of goth music (yay), likes to travel, and has some mysterious govt. job he hasn't let me in on yet. Do they relocate spy's to the RTP area?

Tired and Successful

So the plan worked beautifully. I was viewed 125 times today received three winks/emails back from the spree last night and two unsolicited winks. However I am super tired and will give all the details out tomorrow.

...

Not much to report today. I still have two emails left to answer and a date for a drink to set up for Wed. or Thu. I would have done it, but my ex wrecked my afternoon by pulling his crazy shit via email and just wound me up. I would normally recognize it for what it is, but I haven't been sleeping well and when tired, my emotions hit closer to the surface. So, I also lack any winks today, but the Rockabilly/Brian Setzer looking guy I wrote last week, and who never wrote me back, looks at my profile every couple of days. Maybe he forgets until he reads my profile that he doesn't like me? In fact, I have many looks but my awesome badass-ed-ness apparently makes them worried that I would, in fact, be more cool than they are... hence, no contact. Oh well, I think I can live with that.

Nothin' says sexy like your faceless torso.

Classy and sophisticated woman of color wanted - 25 (Southpoint)

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Reply to:
Date: 2009-01-26, 9:02AM EST


I will keep this short so if i pique your interest, i would love to hear from you... ;) I am 24, Italian and armenian, 6 foot and 200lbs. I am affectionate, romantic, careing, funny, loyal and I like to enjoy myself and have a good time. I like to watch movies especially comidies, cook, listen to hip-hop, and go out. I am looking for a relationship that could potentially get serious if the right one comes along but by no means am i desperate or forcing anything and I have always loved women of color so this is not some experiement...lol I work as a software sales rep in cary so if you like what you hear then hit me back with a few pics and more about you and we can go from there!

Also, I have plenty of pics for exchange. please no BBW's, MEN, or women over 35

I think I need to start writing smaller posts, that was like a book.

I have a theory.

I think the men on match.com spend Sunday through Wednesday setting up for their big weekends. This means Thursday through Saturday end up being 'dead' days. While my profile was viewed Thu-Sat, it wasn't viewed as often as last Sunday-Wed. However, last week most ppl had off of work Mon-Wed., so maybe my theory is bunk. Also, I may have just lost popularity, but I am ok with that in lieu the current emailing situation.

Current situation - I had two emails I was just looking at, one from RR and one from foreign guy. Foreign guy seemed like he was saying, 'hey, nice talking to you and I'll get a hold of you when I get back in town'. However, I wrote him a couple of lines in response after he asked me if I wanted a gift from the Abba museum. To which I said that was tempting and flattering, but I'd pass. Instead, I asked him about the crazy things he'd eaten. I expected I'd hear back from him in the next few days (or not), but he wrote me within 30 minutes. Sent me like six photos of the local European market with all the meats and cheeses. He also wrote like three paragraphs, so he was apparently not feeling chatty. On the downside, it was three paragraphs about food and such, so interesting but kind of generic. Also, he made me really hungry (sorry Em, the beef and mac & cheese just isn't cutting it for me at 9pm tonight).

I wrote RR and agreed to have a drink with him sometime this week. He said he'd come over to my town (being that he lives in the nearby city - 20-30 minutes away). Which is flattering that he'd drive over to my neck of the woods (any suggestions for a good bar?). He also called me Maverick (channeling Sarah Palin or McCain - dear god I hope not) and said it was my call where and when, because he can meet me on Wed. or Thu. (the days I have free this week). I also made sure to ask if he had a pinky ring and told him "you have to promise me two things if we meet up (1) you won’t wear a pinky ring (if you own one) and (2) if you do own one you will pretend you don’t." Luckily, last email he assured me "I do not own a pink ring. To my knowledge, none of my friends own a pinky ring. I do not circulate within a pinky ring set." Very good to know, just now need to figure out where and when this week. I am pretty nervous...

Finally, L wrote me to tell me that she had seen a M seeking W ad on CL that featured her name and details about her, that was something about how L had left him for her current lawyer boyfriend and how this person was looking for a new girl. She was of course understandably freaked, so I wrote the guy to do some recon. Turns out she chatted with a guy last week who did a funny CL post (no, there was another besides the cougar). He ended up seeming sweet and she accidentally left her signature (with full name, email, work addy) in the email. So, this guy pointed it out and told her after a few back and forth seriously innocent emails and full knowledge of her boyfriend, that he should send her flowers (which he did, he sent her the receipt, but they never arrived). Now, he posted that on CL, I guess to get her attention. He also told her that he has all of her addresses for the last 10 years, which I guess telling her is better than not telling her? Inadvertently, he's got my name and she told him the town and state I live in, and that she's coming down to see me this weekend. He's also a trucker, so I can't stop with the 'Candy Cane' jokes... if I end up dead, or we both do this weekend, do let someone know.

Also, L and I, and possibly a friend of hers who is coming with, are planning on chick evening this Friday night (then on to a fetish night Saturday). Who's up for ladies night out (oh the ladies!)?

The Plan

Alright. Here's the new plan. I have generated no activity to speak of in the last three days. I started this journey to be able to write about the match.com experience. So I am going to take it to the next level. Since no one is coming after me I am going on a massive winking spree tonight. I will fine at least 30 men on this god for saken website to make a virtual move on. My dignity may not be in tact after this evening, but I am running out of things to say. So lookout match.com men. I am on the prowl. I will report back later on tonight...

UPDATE:

I spent over an hour and I really really tried. I've been through 50 pages of men. I found 20 that passed all three rules (no lady references, shirts on, not a small wimpy man). I feel a little dirty now, like some sleazy older woman in polyester at the end of the bar, smoking a really long cigarette (Virgina Slims to be exact) hitting on the bartenders.

I must be a horrrible beast of a woman online.

Match.com may very well be hurting the little self esteem I am clinging to today. I was viewed 112 times. Out of 112 men, only one found me appealing enough to muster up a wink. ONE!!!! Am I hideous and no one ever told me?? I have better odds of hitting the lotto than getting noticed on there.

The one guy that winked at me also winked at Sara and let me tell ya, I'd go lesbian before I go "rdmer77." He mentions that he watches American Idol religiously. That alone rules him out.

So I never really thought that I would find the "one" on match.com. I don't know if I really believe in that concept anymore. I can't say that the pain that comes with loving someone is worth it. I know that life is about the journey and that the bad magnifies the good. I just have this fear that I had my chance and failed.

But there is this boy....

Step up or shut up time.

I am on dilemma road now. I've been talking with the R. Reynolds looking guy and foreign guy most on match.com. So, RR guy is 39, DWM, and has said in his profile that he has a mortgage (and I assume he has a house and lives in it, instead of just paying for his ex's?). He also has a teenage son, a job doing about the same thing my ex does (how freakin' odd is that), and is absolutely hilarious. In his photos, he doesn't look like my type, and our music tastes are pretty much polar opposites. Although, in his favor he did mention he went to see Rent last night - do straight guys do that kind of thing willingly? I don't think that many... So, he's finally broached the topic of getting a drink this week. Now, I'm in a slight state of panic - I haven't dated in MORE THAN 12 YEARS! Wtf do you talk about on a match.com date? Where do you go? Should you bring friends? I am making myself more than a bit crazy thinking about it and haven't had the cajones to write him back and answer his question.

Foreign guy's last message to me seemed kind of dismissive as he said he'd get a hold of me when he got back in the country and that he was going to see if there really was an ABBA museum (since he's in Sweden and I brought up the creepy possibility). Not that either of us remotely likes ABBA (or at least he hasn't admitted it to me). Well, I sent him a response that was funny and just nonchalant like 'well let me know when you get back' with no 'let's get coffe, a drink, dinner' because I think I like the protective bubble of the internet on my dating life so far. Well, foreign guy wrote me today, sent me a link to the ABBA museum, and asked if I wanted something from the gift shop. This guy has totally got 'cute and thoughtful' cornered. He's also about the same age as RR, no kids, never been married (do you think there is something wrong with him? Possibly just picky?).

I also have been talking with a grad student from a nearby university, but I haven't written him back as his last email was rather odd. I'm not even sure I'd want to go out with him anytime soon for coffee as he seems super chatty and a bit on the socially inept side. Although, his photos don't look bad.

Here I am home by myself on a Saturday night. My big plans are to work on schoolwork, but it seems like reading a mystery novel and watching romantic movies on TV have taken over. Like a pinball rattling around my head, I've realized I have to cross the bridge and begin interacting in the real world with men on date-type activities. Dear god help me.

Seeing you are one of the best looking girls on this site...

Today (yesterday actually because I am writing this the morning after I should have posted) I have had the most activity ever! The new profile must be it. I was viewed 84 times and received 4 winks and 1 email. Granted the one of the winks was from Sara, but I'm counting it.
The one email I got was not exciting as I have received the same form email from him three times. Here it is:

Okay, so here is my plan.....plain, simple and to the point....Seeing that you are one of the best looking girls on this site and I am one of the best looking guys, I say we get together sometime and grab a drink.We could grab a few drinks and see if there is chemistry and a connection....I mean isn't that the best way to figure out if things will work or not? Lets be spontaneous, and get together soon. Hope to hear back from ya! Brady

In keeping with being honest here on the blog, I did fall for it the first time and actually talked to him. He turned out to only be looking for sex. I was shocked and horrified that he was using a website dedicated to helping people find true love as his personal booty call service. So I told him no way, but I guess if this is his plan, he must send out a lot of these emails. I emailed him back last time and told him that I already knew his scheme but he must have forgotten again. I'll use the old block option so that I stop hearing from him.

So my winks are as follows:

Match.guy "Montana92" is currently living in Denver so I am not sure why he winked at me. Maybe its just to make me feel better. He is a pretty average 40 year old man with a kid. I haven't invested much more than a glance since he doesn't love here.

Match.com guy "NightOwl345" is a bit scary. I would put him in the potential "killer" category. He has a military cropped haircut and is about 75lbs aver weight. For one thing, the name night owl makes me feel like he is prowling around looking for someone is kidnap and skin. Also he has the picture where I guess he is getting into his ipod music and is screaming, but he just looks really really scarey.

Match.com guy "Chazdspaz" has no picture and gives about three lines of info about himself. All three lines a capitalized like he is yelling at me and he speaks in very incomplete sentences. I want to know if he ever gets a response from anyone on match.

Even less notice.

So, Friday no email responses from any of my current interests, but does bring a wink and a note from someone who obviously English is not his first language as he tells me - Kindly send me some of your recent pictures to sammie @ his match.com email. Tell me more about you and what are the qualities you need in you man.

Well, Sammie, I need me man to speak English, #1... at least in the written form. If his first language is not English, I at least need him to write somewhat in the English language and #2 I resent the fact that you think my pics are from some other time - possibly when I was not as fucking awesome as I am now? No idea. Plus, Sammie lives in TX, a place that is on my no-no list for ever living there (Austin is an exception). So, goodbye Sammie and I hope your next interest will learn you some Engrish.

In other news, I went out to goth night tonight. There was some sad dude who we nicknamed 'Zipperman' for the serious amount of zippers on his leather (or possibly pleather because I was NOT going to get that close) clothing. He left at one point to take some other acquaintances home, and we thought that was the end of him, but NO, he came back. There was also another guy who looked like a young, skinny goth version of Viggo Mortenson, who unfort. seemed rather keen on the young, skinny girl who's boyfriend was passed out (or I guess just asleep) on the couch in the club. Really, it's sad because I was looking damn fine and had awesome shoes on (which my feet currently hate me for, damn 3" heels). I was told by a friend to approach Viggo, make that Viggo boy my own, and tell him what was what, but I've done enough of that in my life and really want at least a mutual interest and not some pussy who needs the woman to take charge. Anyway, back to my awesomeness - I'd post a photo but I came home and found my damn camera out of batteries... so instead, imagine awesome slinky black dress with a flair at the bottom, high heels, and my awesome meanness as I enjoyed dancing and making fun of others (the other reason besides dancing to go to goth night). Too bad the place was full of taken men, pussies, and Zipperman (who I am more than glad did not approach me or ask for a number/email/etc.). So, my cats have decided to be my best friends and snuggle me in bed tonight, but it still doesn't make me any less needy for some reliable penis (not like I got that during marriage or anything), but a girl has gotta dream right?

Profile Renovation Time

I was sitting with Sara last night discussing why I am not super popular on match.com. Her suggestion that I had a picture up that screamed I'm short and chubby (why I insist on wearing my green Oregon sweatshirt in almost every picture baffles me) and that I sound like an "earth mom" did not fall on deaf ears. So I revamped the old profile this evening and went a different route. I submit for your reading pleasure my brand new profile intro.

In order to simplify things, I am going Dave Letterman style Top Ten List for the Intro part of my profile:
10. I am female. It’s a basic requirement for most men and I am proud of it.
9. I have a healthy mix of fear of commitment and the desire to be with someone. There is no real rhyme or reason to which I feel in a given day, but it keeps things interesting.
8. I have a sorted professional history that includes rehabbing houses. I can do basic plumbing, lay tile, lay laminate flooring, hang sheet rock (I can finish it as well but made a personal oath to never do it again), and I am a skilled carpenter. I have the paper certificate from a community college to prove it!
7. I have all the sarcasm that you can want from being born into a Northern family, but the southern hospitality of being raised here.
6. I bake…
5. I tend to call people pumpkin and darling a lot more than I should. With that being said I can turn on a fantastic southern accent.
4. I have a huge collection of dangly earrings. That might not matter to you but it will impress the girls in your life that you insist on putting in your profile pictures.
3. I own a wii
2. I love football. Not the love football scheme that a lot of girls have taken on because they know it will impress you. Without you, I will love football. I buy my own hot wings and watch it all by myself. I would tell you my favorite team but I am in mourning right now and just can’t talk about it.
1. My job allows me a bountiful discount on pasta. Really, we’re talking all the pasta you can eat at a fraction of the cost of Olive Garden. (No I do not work at Olive Garden)

This seems to hit most of the important things…oh yeah; I don’t take myself or most anything to seriously.

This seems to wrap me up in a nice witty package, if I do say so myself. Don't disagree with me because after the short chubby earth mom description that Sara threw at me, I can't seem to find that last bit of self esteem I had left before the divorce.

Anyways, I was only viewed 24 times today. I was however "favorited" by an interesting chap. Match guy "adventureswithin" is working that mid thirties I let myself go but threw on this shirt from Express for my profile picture look. So advantages, he is divorced with two kids. So I know he has some sense of my life. His income is listed as $150,000 which is both an advantage and disadvantage. He has a job, but I can't say I like rich dudes. If I hooked up with him and we were walking through the mall we would totally get the "he must be rich to get her look." But I think what has sealed the path of rejection for him, that is of he ever gets the balls to actually contact me, is the model type head shot that is his profile picture. Its just to much...

Popularity wanes, thoughts on personal grooming, and the anchorman is a real guy (on match.com).

I knew it was going to happen someday, I just didn't realize it was going to be only after a few days :( I've still been viewed about 450 times since I put this profile up and was winked at repeatedly by seriously ugly dudes, but today only about a quarter of the losers (or Loosers as our intrepid reporter "L" loves to say) bothered to contact me in any way. Maybe Thursday is a bad day for them? Maybe they just had much more time with the few days of bad weather and work cancellations earlier this week? No idea, but I'm tired and appreciated that they took a day off. It still didn't stop "The Ace Dude XO" from winking at me. He is my current lurpy (lurky+creepy) match. Not only does he lack a neck, but his hair is longer than mine and he's trying to use that as camoflage for his neckless condition! He's got a baby momma out there somewhere and added to the fact that one of his 'photos' is a charcoal drawing of himself only makes me want him more - well want him more for the organs I could sell on the black market...

I also have to share that Ron Burgundy aka the Anchorman aka Mister_Ious_One lives on Match.com. Don't believe me? Have a look for yourself. Resides in WV (no surprise there), likes nighttime gardening with gloves on in November, rockhounding, and likes fossilized varmints. I personally worry that he'd like to use me as fertilizer during his midnight gardening or possibly just add me to his collection of rocks and varmints. Also, he used the word schmaltzy, I have no fucking idea what the hell that means. Oh, a quick search of dictionary.com says it means excessively maudlin - seriously, who uses the word schmaltzy first of all and second of all who uses the word maudlin other than goth kids and Morrissey? Now, I feel kind of bad for pointing this guy out, especially since he did not bother me in anyway (other than ending up on my list of people who viewed me). Maybe his true love is out there? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

In concluding thoughts, today I also remembered what a furry bastard I am. I must have a long-lost Italian ancestor out there somewhere or something because I am dark haired and furry. At least being married I had to worry less about how often I plucked those eyebrows and checked nose hairs, ntm shaving and whatever... Now, don't get the idea I turned yeti and my hubby decided to leave me, 'cause that is indeed not the case. Instead, I think because I am now 'single' my body knows it and has decided I NEED more hair. Today's surprise was that I plucked my eyebrows two days ago with a good magnifying mirror, yet, I needed to do it again. Don't even ask about the nose hairs I noticed as well... is this some voodoo curse? Some last gift mother nature has bestowed upon me?

In update news, foreign guy sent me a picture of rabbits outside of where he is working in Europe, which makes no sense unless you know we've been speaking of rabbits and guinea pigs and how tasty they both are... I thought that was totally cute, but the end of the email seemed kind of dismissive. No idea there. Also talked with the funny guy who looks like Ryan Reynods, which I now dare you to google his name. I'd never done it before today, but my match.com (who is hilarious) totally did and found that Mr. Reynolds' pics are superman buff, scarily so. So, unintended insult there, but he took it well. Coffee guy has become wierder and more rambly in his email and intentionally or unintentionally insulting... may or may not write him back. Oh, and in the meantime douche who called me a hypocrite wrote again and pretty much was jerky and insulting again - seriously, no surprise he's got no dates. I'll probably block him here pretty soon...

Our Next Big Score - From Our Earnest Reporter in Columbus, Ohio (L)

Cougar Hunting - 19 (Columbus)

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Reply to: craigslist.org
Date: 2009-01-20, 9:16PM EST


Hi, my name is Thomas and I am a 19 year old college student searching for a cougar to satisfy my needs. I prefer the age range of 25-49 but am open to other ages also. I am 6'3, weigh 215, I have brown hair and blue eyes. I enjoy working out. I love having sex, if you can't take it hard then dont bother emailing me. I am a nice guy that likes to go out and have fun. I do not judge if you have a children, I love kids. Please feel free to email me at any time. Thank you and I hope to speak to you soon.

Single white female looking for a daddy for my impoverished kids...

Well not a lot of activity today. I might have to go topless to get noticed. I was viewed 36 times but not a single wink or email. All of the interesting guys that viewed me had the "none" choice for if they cared about their "date" having kids. What a disappointment I must be when they click on my picture only to find out that I have actually lived a full life for the last ten years. Is it so hard to imagine dating someone that has responsibilities? Maybe I should add that I am independent and not looking for a dad for my kids or that I am in the small percentage of single moms living above the poverty line. (Really only 35% of single moms live above the poverty line)
I did get a response email back from match guy "red wine." He said "Well I guess you know after one date...I hope you're right." I wanted to tell him that I knew after one minute with him, but I of course let it go.
The last notable thing that happened today on the website was running into not one but two of my cousins profiles. There nothing like breezing through some profiles and then all of the sudden there is your blood relation. I knew that one of my cousins was on the site because he winked at me a little while back. That's just his off color sense of humor. I wasn't expecting my other cousin, but knowing him we will not be communicating via match.com. I hope they have better luck and I must say that I am proud of them because they have checked that they wouldn't mind a "lady" with kids. I would say that is because they are stand up guys, but really I just think that they might not be all that picky.

Hate mail. (And so it continues with Day 3)

Today's first email (after a polite good morning and asking if I was enjoying our bad weather): I did have a serious question though. Was there a point when you were both Catholic and teaching evolution? Because that would make you a big hypocrite, and I bet you had trouble sleeping at night. If you don't get my sense of humor, then don't bother responding. I don't apologize anyway.

WTF? Sense of humor? No wonder you are single, douche. My response (I wonder how 'funny' it is to him): Well, #1 I was raised catholic but did not teach evolution at the same time and #2 it's not hypocritical. If you pay attention to these things, you'd know that the last Pope (John Paul) actually said evolution is compatible with christianity.

Thanks for calling me a hypocrite before 9 in the morning, you know I never get enough of that...


In better news, I do have four emails awaiting my response, and one is from foreign guy. Still haven't responded to the guy about going for coffee (2), have one from someone Emily and I both winked at that we agreed looks a bit like Brian Setzer (my ongoing problem with being attracted to guys who look like the lead singers of bands from the 80s - no hair bands please!), and one who is not on match.com, but from CL (yes sad I know), who I am even debating writing back. Said he was in a punk band, but punk was really actually a hardcore band full of overweight 40 yr olds living out their 'dreams'. Plus, I went out a couple of times with a nonracist skinhead in h.s. a billion years ago and ever since then I've had an aversion to slightly chubby, white guys with no hair who are into hardcore music. I wasn't traumatized by the dates so much as the year and half's worth of stalker phone calls after I wouldn't go out with him again. Probably didn't help that everytime he called I just laughed at him and hung up, eh?

Pinkie Rings and Guns-

Tonight I would like to address the idea that it is OK to post pictures of you with your "hot" female friends. Are you trying to intimidate me? "Well she's a 9 so I am going to try to compete with her with my little bit chubby at best 7 rating..." I know that you might be thinking this is a way to ward off the impression that you are a loser being on match.com, but let me tell you fella, we are all losers because we are on match.com. Really, if you could score with a chick that hot, you would not be here.
With that being said, I went on the date with Match guy "red wine." Let me tell you, man it was bad. To begin with he was 15 minutes late. That did give me enough time to get to know the bartender and she was pretty cool. The first thing I noticed was that he was he lied about being 5'10''. I am 5'5'' and with my two inch heels, I was noticeably taller than him. I don't mind guys that are my height or taller, but I need to know so I can choose the correct shoes for the date. Secondly, and much more icky was the pinkie ring with a matching bracelet that he was sporting. At first I though "Did I agree to date a New Yorker??" As a general rule, I avoid New Yorkers. But I remembered he was from the south, so the pinkie ring made no sense. But I was still optimistic because I could always wear flats and more than likely convince him to lose the ring. Without boring you, he went on the tell me a racist story, talk to me about meeting his parents, informed me he had a "concealed weapon" permit and that he always carries his gun (I made a joke about his "gun" but he did not get it), and that I would look good in his king size bed. So needless to say, it did not go well. He asked me if he could see me again because "I looked better in person than in my pictures." I said that I was super busy for the next month. I would have told him the truth but my new bartender friend was right there and I didn't want to shoot him down in the place he goes often.
But he still emailed me today and invited me to meet the president of the university he graduated from for drinks. I emailed him back and said that although he seemed like a nice guy, I didn't feel chemistry between us. Hopefully I can shake him now.
So I have been viewed 30 times today and winked at one time. The "winker" seemed like a normal enough guy, but I didn't feel compelled to wink back. I didn't email anybody today but I need to or else this blog is going to get mighty boring. So I'm off to match land to find me a "gentleman" ( I'll talk later about how much I hate the term "gentleman')

Day 2 - the day after yesterday.

I am popular, or at least have made a good photo choice, since I have over 200 'looks' and about 12 pages of dudes who are out shopping for everything from a 'lady' as Emily put it, to true love, to that booty call. Seriously, if you say you're not into a booty call and want something serious, you just wrote that for someone else's benefit.

Also, btw, I think the word 'Lady' as some like, or possibly the more diminutive 'lady' should always be pronounced in one of two voices: Leon Phelps and his Scantuary or Kenny Rogers from his song.

So, as of early this afternoon, I have been winked at more than 5 times today, been written to by three guys. One was an instant no, being chubby and from Boston. Totally not into chubby guys (generally not too built guys either), and I hate hate hate everything from Boston except the clam chowda.

My first (of the three emails): comes from some random dude in some town I've never heard of. Well, I've heard of it, but only in passing as the local nightly news starts. He says something about my looks and how not normal I am, which admittedly I am not. Then he goes on to crack a joke and ha ha ha after it - never a good sign. In surfing his profile, his pictures make him look like someone's dad - which he totally is. I generally don't mind if you have kids, but in addition to laughing at your own lame joke, you look like Frank Black from the old tv show Millenium (sunken face Lance Henriksen and not the lead singer of the Pixies - not that I'd be down with him either). So, no thank you Mr. Henriksen...

Second email was from a guy that winked at me and I winked back. While he's not overly attractive (kind of a chubby Ryan Reynolds), his profile is pretty damn funny and witty. His email was also funny and witty and included references to locals not understanding bad weather. I wrote back and am awaiting the 'generic rejection' that match.com can offer... or not. He did mention he had today off, but maybe he's spending it a more productive format than I am (trying to read 5 chapters for a class I'm not even really taking listening to electronica music on the TV, why do I do this to myself?).

Third email I have yet to respond to. It's a not bad looking gent in a similar state of education to mine (almost done with an advanced degree). His email was long and sweet and ended with asking me to coffee since he assumed we go to the same school (which we do not). He also was cute in that he made certain to preface it as 'only coffee' and not a date or any other form of such. He's also the only one with the cajones to kind of ask about my 'separated' status, not directly, so I'm trying to get work done (unsuccessfully) and write him back telling him this week for coffee is out, but possibly next week. I am pretty uncertain about this since it's been 12+ years for me on the dating scene (even if it's only coffee). Guess I have to psych myself up for this.

Oh, in the time I've been writing, I've gotten another wink, from some random dude in another town I've never been to/heard of. Oh, I also seem to be attracting a lot of blue collar guys who run some kind of auto-based business... why? because I mention about how I'm good at fixing household things? I guess so... where do you start a conversation with that? I guess I'm looking to buy a car sometime soon, maybe I'll keep that in mind when the mechanics continue to write me.

I was also IM'd last night via match.com, primarily because I forgot I had it up and stayed on too long. Had one rather uncomfortable talk with some guy who used my name (once I told him) overly too much... How are you, Sara? What are you doing tomorrow, Sara? Can I come to your house and eat your pets, Sara? Once again, if you remind me of HAL from 2001, I'm not going to be interested. Plus, as Emily and I agreed, if you're over a certain age and never been married, there's likely some kind of 'problem' with you. That guy's overuse of my name, and his photos with his parents screamed 'I live at home and still have my virginity' or something... he also used the word 'lovers' in his profile, which is as bad as 'lady'. The other IM was from an interesting, well-travelled guy, but a few years younger than me. Might turn into something, might not...

So, one chubby Van Wilder, one local student of similar age, and one younger guy who's in grad school but attractive and well-travelled in the current mix. All of my starter emails to other guys have not been returned, and sadly, foriegn dude who is out of the country hasn't written me back (sad face!). I hold hope that he's just busy in his foreign country and not turned off by the more recent pictures I've posted... seriously, I've lost some weight since then!

Additionally, one of my classmates from my school program was listed as a potential top 5 today... I trust match.com very little.

Why not?? Day 1- Emily

Day one has brought some match.com activity. I have been viewed 12 times and winked at twice.
Match guy "Jon" is looking for an ordinary "lady." I have a a few firm rules when it comes to responding. First, and this is purely based on pictures, if I am stronger than you, we have no Internet future. Second, if you use the term "lady" to describe a female we are over. Lastly, if you post a picture of yourself with no shirt, after a little gagging I will move on quickly. The one exception to this rule is for tattoos. This is shaky territory because even with tats, you may appear to be showing off your over developed pecs, so you really should keep the shirt on.
So, "Jon" begins with breaking the "lady" rule and frankly he is more than a little scary. I applaud his wink, but I will not be responding.
Match guy "Foul mouthed 40 year old" is interesting. He is vegetarian and has lived in Seattle. I am a little put off with the ten year age gap. He describes himself as "foul mouthed." I am torn between liking the honestly and being scared that he wants me to know this bit of information. I will pass on him as well...
So, previous to our decision to document our match.com journey, I have gotten to the first date phase with Match.com guy "Red wine." On paper he is a winner. Degree from a prestigious university, high paying job, out doorsy and so on. However his pictures paint him as a bit of a douche bag. Tonight is the night and he has chosen a fancy wine bar. We'll have to see how it goes.

Shopping with my eyes.

Hmm, let's see - Sexy foreign guy that my friend L sent me his profile wrote me back and sounds interesting... will be writing him back shortly.

Also, like four winks and one other message, mostly from guys with no pictures. Seriously? Seriously? I heard a great story on NPR many moons ago about why pistachios are dyed red, that pretty much ends with the idea that they looked better and people wanted to buy them if they were bright reddish. Same goes here, I want to make sure that you aren't all funky looking and won't be saying things like 'baby ruth' to me.

You Suck.

Emily and I (Sara) decided to search Match.com together for our potential true love.

Sara: my problems - no current online photos, only separated from my husband.

Emily: my problems - douches who want children but don't want women with children already.

We've decided to 30 day blog about our lovely and douchy experiences on a dating website.